Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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