If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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