I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
