i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
