I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm too high and old for this...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
