he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
