You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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