I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
