feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I love you.
Bad choice
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