she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
