I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
