you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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