dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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