we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
