It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
