So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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