respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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