If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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