For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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