the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
