he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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