i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
