That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
whose parrot is this?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
