That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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