i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
