i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
