If that was your dad, he is hot
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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