mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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