So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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