There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
