Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
