i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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