I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
