Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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