man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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