Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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