TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
