Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
