Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
