The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
