Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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