I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
