I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
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That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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