if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
