She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
