People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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