the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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