I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
