The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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