I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
