I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
