We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
