my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh god it's open bar.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
