Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
