dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This house was built for laser tag.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
