i think i have two assholes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So vagazzling was a success
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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