You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
