your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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