I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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